I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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