As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
