Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
