Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
