So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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