'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
