i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
ugly people sure do ruin things
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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