Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
