i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You did what with his pubic hair?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
