dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
