I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
