I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
