I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
