I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
