I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
