don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
