You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
