I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
