I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
