you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
