george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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