U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
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