3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
