I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
