ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
