"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
