Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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