he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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