I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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