I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
