Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
