she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
