I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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