Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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