Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
