How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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