Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
