Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
