drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
