I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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