Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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