birth control should be required to get into college
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
