I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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