He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
