Umm I'm too high to move.
My friends, they love my intelligence
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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