hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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