Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
