oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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