All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
