Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
